And what did you do in your weekend?

I have this little problem -- no, wait, special skill -- where I just can't pass up the chance to read those 1001 completely useless scraps of writing that pop up everywhere you go. Random graffiti, instruction booklets, signs on doors, the backs of food packets, stop signs (over and over and over again until they are out of sight).

So I was reading the back of a packet of dried apples yesterday and for once, instead of merely being the scraggly fingernail that scratches my OCD itch, it was a thoroughly enjoyable experience.

And here is where I share some of the highlights with you, my good and faithful internet.

You know, I was so relieved to hear this. Because I'd never try to eat anything as a snack food without permission from the manufacturers, no matter how good it looked or smelled. Start taking stupid risks like that and you might wind up eating goodness knows what. Like frozen peas, for example.

Just "be aware"? Of their allergy? Because they probably already are. As long as these people are sufficiently "aware", does that mean they can eat this product?

Proximate to what? The barcode on the bottom of the packet? I suspect these people need a dictionary. Or less thesaurus. Or something.

And then there is this. The jewel in my packet-reading crown. This is practically found poetry. Read it aloud, with attention to punctuation and line breaks and fill each phrase with the passionate intensity it deserves. You'll see what I mean. This is not a recipe, people: this is Art.


Or possibly I need stronger medication.