Thursday, October 05, 2006

What doesn't kill you might be Styley

In other news, I nearly killed someone today.

I don't want to talk about the details, because every time I think about it I start crying again. Also, I don't entirely know how it happened: one minute everything was fine and the next she was nearly killed and it was all my fault. And it was definitely my fault, but I don't know what I did and so I can't not do it again, and now I'm feeling all teary again so I'm going to stop.

But I just wanted you to know that I am a bad person and that you don't ever want to be up a climbing wall with me on the end of your rope.

(She's okay, though: just kind of bruised and unhappy. But that's not the point, because she might have been dead.)

14 Comments:

Lucy said...

*hugs* You're not a bad person.

turtlebella said...

I too am sure you are not evil, killing people kind of person!!! Sounds traumatic, sorry you had to go through that (bad for her too but since I don't know her I will just toss her feelings to the air and focus on you. who. i don't know either. but kind of in that bloggy kind of way. whatever, i'll stop now).

kermitthefrog said...

So sorry, Styley! That must have been scary for you.

betty said...

It's ok, Styley. It's awful that it happened, but you didn't do it on purpose and you probably won't ever make that mistake again. Sorry it happened though, I hate that feeling.

Twirly said...

Climbing is dangerous and you made a mistake. Don't stop climbing though...you're a tough cookie....

jo(e) said...

What a horrible feeling. It sounds like a really scary incident.

Flavia said...

Oh Styley. I'm so sorry. But nothing bad *did* happen, and it's over, so don't allow yourself to dwell on it too much.

shrinkykitten said...

I'm really sorry too Styley.

Get yourself a nice big fireperson hat to wear as consolation! :)

StyleyGeek said...

Thanks, everyone, for being so supportive. I feel extra bad being a drama queen about it when it was the OTHER person who, um, fell from half way up the climbing wall *cringe*. When it happened too, she was mostly kind of stunned and crying a bit, but not too overwhelmed, while I was a complete panicky, sobbing mess. Which I also felt bad about, because, you know, SHE was the one who just fell from high enough to break her neck (onto a hard gym floor) and she should have been unhappiest about it.

Betty -- the problem is that because I don't know what my mistake was exactly, I can't be 100% sure I won't do it again. One minute I was letting her down gradually and the next moment she dropped out of the air and thudded onto the floor. At first I thought the rope had broken, then I thought the descender must be faulty, but someone else used it right after me and it was fine for them.

So it must have been me. Someone showed me all the mistakes I might have made, but I don't think I made any of them, and then she watched my technique (making me belay for someone else, which was terrifying), and she said I did everything right. So although I must have made a mistake (I am pretty inexperienced, and maybe I wasn't concentrating properly), it might have been something I am still unaware of doing, which means I might do it again.

So Twirly, it is all very well to say I shouldn't stop climbing, but I don't know if I can do it when I still don't know what I did wrong. Also, it was my first night with this person as my climbing partner and I'm pretty sure she isn't going to want to climb with me again (I have been looking for a new climbing partner for ages -- but not because I killed the old one: she just stopped coming).

Every time I close my eyes I see her drop onto the floor again.

senioritis said...

Styley, I had a really bad car wreck almost 2 years ago that I still haven't gotten over. The wreck was my fault; I have amnesia and don't know why it happened; and I'm really scared behind the wheel of the car now. I think the wreck happened because I was driving on icy roads when I was really tired. So I am absolutely paranoid about not driving now when I'm tired.

All of which is to say, I have some connection to that terrifying sense of having come close to killing oneself and other people, and not knowing for sure how to prevent its happening again.

Just breathe. That's what Nels said to me one time when I was freakin out, and he was right.

Anonymous said...

I'm just glad you didn't fall. I would rather you were a bit sad and shocky than broken into bits.

Not that I think your landing technique would be inferior to hers...

StyleyGeek said...

Senioritis -- I can't imagine how bad it would feel to have had an experience like that. I feel bad enough and I didn't even seriously injure anyone. This experience has given me a lot more understanding for what it must be like for people who have caused really traumatic accidents.

I'm practising breathing :)

Jana said...

StyleyGeek - how awful for you, and how unlucky. But nothing *did* happen, and if it was a freak accident nothing will happen in the future. Blick nach vorn, and peace.

trillwing said...

{{{Styley}}}