Wednesday, May 09, 2007

If the academic blogs I read got together and created their own university

  • English literature would be the largest and most powerful field.
  • Available courses would also include such exotic offerings as "musical basket-weaving" and "complexification theory as applied to hairdressing".
  • Some professors, despite having an office and students, would nonetheless manage to keep their real name and what they worked on completely secret.
  • There would be a ratio of approximately 50 grad students to each tenured professor. And no one would ever finish their dissertation.
  • Most science lecturers would talk about hard science... but the humanities professors would spend at least 30 percent of the lecture time discussing their cats.
  • Reviews and evaluations would mostly read, "You rock! What you say is so true!" with the occasional disgruntled, "OMG U SUCK LOL!1!!1"
  • Committees and informal discussions would consist of a mixture of professors, grad students, undergrads, members of the general public, and random people who hid under the table causing trouble and wouldn't tell you their names.
  • Everyone would install top-of-the-range spy cameras outside their offices so they could track how many people had dropped by while they were out.
  • People would spend hours painting their office doors elaborate colour schemes in order to attract the maximum number of visitors, and would then hide behind the locked door to see whether or not it worked.
  • There would be some awesome end-of-semester parties.

25 Comments:

Pilgrim/Heretic said...

This is the funniest thing I've read in days. (You rock!) :)

USJogger said...

There would only be one dean, but he would be very wise.

StyleyGeek said...

So true, USjogger! One Dean to rule them all...

kermitthefrog said...

I'm in!

Dr. Brazen Hussy said...

ohmyGOD, this was freakin' hilarious. But you did not address the alcohol situation, namely, that there would be a lot of it. And sometimes it would be fancy.

Flavia said...

This is awesome!

(But I'm with Hussy on the alcohol situ.)

susan said...

Ha! One Dean to Rule Them All is as funny as the post. This is golden.

Psychobunny said...

Now I really want to enroll at Academic Blog University!

Bardiac said...

I'm ordering the super spy camera for my office door NOW!

And Dr. Brazen Hussy is right about the alcohol. But there'd be lots of caffeine, too. LOTS!

Mosilager said...

:D
in blog U everyone would love writing and SG would be doing parrot geographical distribution research.

Acre said...

Completely, hilariously brilliant. That one gets submitted for the grad carnival for sure.

StyleyGeek said...

I nearly put in something about the alcohol, but then I decided that wouldn't be all that different from any of the real universities I've been at. Obviously it's different in the USA...

Miss M. said...

And, of course, everyone would spend an aweful lot of time looking around at what everyone else was doing.

Does Blogiversity have undergrads? If so, I'm in!

Jana said...

Some professors, despite having an office and students, would nonetheless manage to keep their real name and what they worked on completely secret

This is hilarious! I laughed (messily) through my muesli.

What about the alumni network? What are they all doing? (Are they all unemployed like me?)

Ianqui said...

Hah! I think that you would be doing a joint degree in Linguistics and Zoology (with a focus on parrot behavior--maybe you could specifically study mynah birds?) If you taught a course on bird behavior, I'd take it. And my final project would be a photography exhibit.

Dr. Brazen Hussy said...

but then I decided that wouldn't be all that different from any of the real universities I've been at...

Well, that's true, but in my experience while student drinking tends to be out in the open, faculty drinking is kept quieter. But not at Bloglandia U!

StyleyGeek said...

Ha, you should visit my department. A few days ago we had a morning tea at 11am to introduce some new environmental initiatives and they even made THAT an excuse to crack open a few bottles of wine. (And from what I heard, the rival (farewell to an administrator) morning tea an hour EARLIER had had champagne).

Then there's Wednesday grad student drinks, and Friday staff drinks, and end-of-semester drinks, and congratulations-on-the-book/paper/tenure drinks. I can barely keep up!

Dr. Brazen Hussy said...

You're right. I SHOULD visit your department!!

Seeking Solace said...

Can I teach law at this univeristy? I could also be the legal counsel!!!!

flossie said...

English--check. Cats--check. Unfinished diss--check. You've got my number, Styley.

wwwmama said...

Funny! Thanks, I needed that...


Fancy alcohol, definitely. And lots of 6 day weekends, I think.

Bella Sultane said...

This is *hilarious* (and my favorite thing that I read today). Thanks for the laugh. :-)

Breena Ronan said...

Styley you are soooo funny! This post should be proclaimed as hilarious throughout the land!

Dean Dad said...

aw, shucks...

LOVE the bit about the cats!

Psycgirl said...

Styley - hilarious! Don't forget how much time we'd spend passing around emails from undergrads and complaining about them...