Saturday, December 02, 2006

Things I have found in my bed

There are few things worse than the feeling of dread when, half asleep and all snuggly warm, you move a foot and come across an unexpected, alien thing in your bed. Whether it is squishy or pointy, wriggling or motionless, your mind always jumps to the worst possible conclusion.

And sometimes you are right.

Before I list all my exciting discoveries over the years, I have to point out that most of these things are even weirder given that I am a total neat-freak about my bed. I like to keep the covers smooth. I don't eat or work in bed. The only things I ever do there are sleeping, reading, and that thing that married couples who love each other very much are allowed to do together—whispering secrets under the covers until the early hours of the morning. So I have no idea how most of these things ever made it past my OCD-bed-immaculateness radar.

That said, I give you...

Things I have found in my bed:

  1. an earplug
  2. an alarm clock (obviously I was trying to smother it to death)
  3. a turd (not mine)
  4. a spider
  5. a nacho
  6. a dead pigeon
  7. maggots (point of origin: #6)
  8. a clothes-peg
  9. my gym membership card. (This one was inside the duvet cover and very confusing.)
What's the weirdest/worst thing you have ever found in your bed? (And don't say your significant other. That might make them sad.)


Anastasia said...

i don't even want to know why in god's name there was a dead pigeon in your BED of all places. Dude!

I found a lizard in my bed once. Also, a turd (Kizzy) and also puke (Kizzy) and also--this was just the other night--something my husband has christened pizza funk.

StyleyGeek said...

Okay, I don't need to know what pizza funk is. But I want to hear the lizard story. (Assuming there is a story.)

~profgrrrrl~ said...

OK, these items are scaring me.

I'm thinking my oddest would be sharpies and boarding pass stubs. All rather mundane. Have slept with many a remote control, and ex's boxers used to show up at the foot of the bed a lot.

My gross-out bed thing is waking to blood spots. Best I can figure, my perpetually infected belly piercing is bleeding in my sleep. Nothing else makes sense.

Twirly said...

I haven't really found anything weird in my bed (although lately I've been sleeping with my computer)...but I can tell that my messy bed would make you cringe.

StyleyGeek said...

Profgrrrrl: I'm having difficulty constructing a scenario in which boarding pass stubs end up in your bed. Very odd.

And I have no idea what a sharpie is.

Twirly: I love that you sleep with your computer. Is it a security thing? Or just plain love? :)

Dr. Brazen Hussy said...

Holy crap, woman! Dead pigeon?? What the hell?

I've never had anything more interesting than socks, pet debris (let's leave it at that), remote controls, books, pens, etc. I'm fairly OCD about my bed too, and in the last couple of years have instituted a "no working in bed" rule which seems to have helped my sleep. Also cuts down on foreign objects.

[PS Sharpies are a particular brand of permanent marker. They come in many colors. They have a nice pointy tip for writing. They are wonderful.]

Carine said...

a (live) pheasant

Okay, this may be cheating a little bit as my home was a tent on a windy field in Yorkshire and my bed was in it. But still.

~profgrrrrl~ said...

This pet debris in bed thing freaks me out (there's a reason why I have caged pets, I think).

The boarding pass stub: I think either (a) came home from trip and took nap fully clothed; it fell out of pocket or (b)was unpacking/emptying bag on bed and it infiltrated the system.

Jesse said...

I woke up to a live rat running around under the covers as I slept.

Granted it was my pet rat and I didn't put the lid on tight and the cage was on my dresser right next to my bed. So it really wasn't gross or anything. Just a bit odd.

kermitthefrog said...

There have been a couple of occasions where I've been the least pleasant thing in my bed. That is, the post-party and/or sickly version of me.

StyleyGeek said...

I think Carine wins.

And if people want the dead pigeon story, they should click on the link :)

Jesse's comment reminded me of another "item", although I'm not sure it counts since I was sleeping at someone else's place at the time.

I woke up feeling something heavy land on my chest. Figured it was a cat, although I didn't think the friend had cats. Opened my eyes to find a giant white hare staring me in the face.

Turns out this friend had a new pet she had forgotten to tell me about. And the sofa I was sleeping on "belonged" to the hare.

Honeybee said...

A live cockroach. Ew. Ew. AFTER I got out of bed in the morning. EW.

At the time I was living in a basement in an area that has a lot of roaches. I never saw a lot, but they would turn up in my room occasionally. I have no idea how this one wound up under my blankets but I did a little grossed-out dance for a while.

Dr. Brazen Hussy said...

Oh, if we're including tents, then I'm going to have to go with half-chewed still alive frog.

StyleyGeek said...

Chewed by what?! (Or should I say, by whom?)

ZaPaper said...

Worst--back when I was 7 and having to share a bed with my 4 year old brother: waking up in a warm puddle. Funniest: when my former pet iguana used to go to herculean efforts to escape from his enclosure in order to sneak onto the back of the "husband" pillow I kept at the head of my bed. I tried letting him sleep there once but I had cold lizard dreams all night....

I am the opposite of you about the bed. All kinds of things end up there. When I am single the whole other half of my bed gets populated by books. Maybe this makes me sleep worse, but it also makes my bed feel less sad and empty.