- "Have you just had a baby, darling? [What, right now? Let me check. I think I would have noticed.] Or are you going to have one? Because your hair is very strange. Often hormones do that."
- "When did you last wash your hair, darling? This morning? Because feel this.... Does that feel clean to you? No, me neither."
- "Do you ever tease your hair on top? Well you should. Because with larger ears like yours, darling, it looks funny if it is wider at the sides than on top. I guess that's partly your glasses, too. It's funny how they stick out from the sides of your head so much. Most people's glasses sit much closer in."
- "See this protein spray that I'm using on your hair now?* You really need to buy some of this. It's quite expensive, but with your hair... It looks awful if you don't smooth it down with a product like this one."
And the final Conversation of Doom
"Now, let me just blow dry your hair."
"Um, don't you guys charge lots extra for blow drying?"
They are a cut-price salon ($20 cut) and they make their money by up-selling to blow-drys ($10 extra) and shampooing ($25 extra). I figure I only come out ahead if I don't request any extras. Usually this is not a problem; I have never had an aggressive hairdresser before.
"It's only $10."
"I don't blow dry it at home, anyway. My hair goes fluffy if I use a dryer. I'll just let it dry naturally."
"Well, darling, I'm sorry, but I can't let you just walk out of here like that. It looks awful. And I can't tell whether I have cut it evenly or not unless I dry it."
"Every other time I've been here I've left with damp hair. It's fine."
"Your hair, darling, is so fine that it will look uneven until I dry it. And I just can't tell if it is finished until it is dry. What do you have against drying it, anyway?"
"My hair gets fluffy and damaged if I dry it too often." This is true. I never blow-dry it at home.
"Well just this once you are going to have to trust me."
I was so ready to just storm out and complain to the manager that the hairdresser was acting like my mother, but I am a wimp, so I let her dry it. Then:
"Oh dear! Darling! Your hair is horribly fluffy and dry. You see now why you need to buy this protein spray? Look how it smooths it all down."
Yes, it solves a problem that she created in the first place. Grrr! (And no, I didn't buy the product.)
* What is with putting protein in hair products? Hair is dead. Protein is not going to help.