Wednesday, August 02, 2006

The AIU: "More Better Education"

I love the website of the Australian International University (slogan: "More Better Education"). It's a spoof of my university, which has an extremely similar name and has recently been trying to attract more international students.

But whether or not you know my university, you'll probably find the site is an amusing satire on academia in general.

Here's an excerpt from their "Staff Strategy" page:

At Australian International University we have no staff. We are a revolutionary, management only university. By cutting out staff members completely, we have reduced our costs to a market-leading level, enabling us to provide our clients with world-class price point options.

All lecturer and tutors at Australian International University are SSP’s. SSP stands for “Subcontracted Service Provider.” The utilisation of SSP teachers keeps costs as low as possible for us. We can then pass on these cost savings to you, our valued clients.

[...]

Incentivisation is an important part of motivating our SSP’s. The Australian International University has found that for an SSP, the fear of losing one’s job is a powerful incentive to lower one’s hourly rate. We believe in regularly providing incentives to our SSP’s in order to improve performance and service delivery.

Here at AIU we are also very proud of the fact that our management staff have absolutely no academic experience. Our management team have all been recruited because they come from management, marketing and entrepreneurial backgrounds. We guarantee that none of them are tainted by any experience of pedagogy. George Bernard Shaw once wrote, “Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach,” or words to that effect. Except for our SSP’s, all management staff at AIU are able to “do.”


And from the 'International Students FAQ':

Q4. I worry I don’t speaking so good English, actually?

A4. No worry, mate. We don’t speak good English neither. But your father is good businessman. He has $100,000 in cash? He can pay your education? No worry mate. You already speaking our language very good. Don’t worry learning more English classes. No necessary. No worry. Mate.

Q6. My friend he go already to AIU. But he say he can't understanding what lecturers saying. What if I can't understanding them too? How I can learning proper?

A6. No worry, mate. We don’t calling them “lecturers” any more at AIU. We calling them “SSP” this mean “Subcontracted Service Provider.” If you have problem with you can't understand your SSP, you tell us, we fire him. Your father our number one valuable client. We don’t offending your father. He important man, him. SSP is very “pretentious.” This is special word - mean think he very smart. But if so smart, why he SSP? If he more smart, he is being manager or marketing man. Not stupid teacher.

Q8. Normally I don’t understanding English very good. How come I understanding everything you say? How come you so clear?

A8. Because we writing all questions and answers in this FAQ.


I also recommend the page explaining the Latin mottos of the various university services. I'm thinking of adopting the main university motto as my own:

Rapacitas Bona Est

5 Comments:

shrinkykitten said...

I love these:

Q8. I don’t understanding Aussie students at AIU who speaking English too fast. How I can talk to Aussie students?

A8. You can't. No need. They don’t say interesting thing anyway. They only interest in beer. No respect for elders or corporations. But our Aussie students got rich dad like you. Our Aussie students is too dumb for normal Australian university. But not for AIU.

and this:

We have small entrance exam for each new student. If student know who is Hello Kitty, then student can come in. If student don’t knowing who is Hello Kitty, then can't coming in AIU.

and is this scarylecturer's personal?

Male AIU Business History lecturer 51 yo seeks female undergraduate 18-23 yo. Looking for a slim, blonde nymphomaniac. Has good job, steady income. Pedantic, overweight, depressed, balding, neurotic and a premature ejaculator, but has an unmistakable air of authority that drove girls wild back in the 1970’s. Non-smoker. Enjoys alcohol, Napoleonic history, Napoleonic art, Napoleonic commerce, Napoleonic furniture, Napoleonic philosophy, Napoleonic fashions and Napoleon VSOP cognac.

Did you go to the shop? I think you should get the thong and perhaps a trucker hat.

Hilarious site.

Jana said...

Absolutely wonderful site. I hope Academic Jihad will be recruiting during Freshers' Week at my university!

StyleyGeek said...

Hmmm... shrinky. You don't know how close to the truth you are! (Although I REALLY don't know about the premature ejaculation. Eww!)

Jana -- does that mean you are feeling more optimistic about the exam?

StyleyGeek said...

Oh, and the best thing about the shop gear is that, until you read the words, most of the t-shirts, hats etc look EXACTLY the same as our university's real ones. Even the logo looks the same from a distance.

Morton T Fogg said...

These are FANTASTIC!

It might be time to invest in a new hoodie -- and these hoodies are (with the exchange rate) still cheaper than the actual university's hoodies.