The AIU: "More Better Education"

I love the website of the Australian International University (slogan: "More Better Education"). It's a spoof of my university, which has an extremely similar name and has recently been trying to attract more international students.

But whether or not you know my university, you'll probably find the site is an amusing satire on academia in general.

Here's an excerpt from their "Staff Strategy" page:

At Australian International University we have no staff. We are a revolutionary, management only university. By cutting out staff members completely, we have reduced our costs to a market-leading level, enabling us to provide our clients with world-class price point options.

All lecturer and tutors at Australian International University are SSP’s. SSP stands for “Subcontracted Service Provider.” The utilisation of SSP teachers keeps costs as low as possible for us. We can then pass on these cost savings to you, our valued clients.

[...]

Incentivisation is an important part of motivating our SSP’s. The Australian International University has found that for an SSP, the fear of losing one’s job is a powerful incentive to lower one’s hourly rate. We believe in regularly providing incentives to our SSP’s in order to improve performance and service delivery.

Here at AIU we are also very proud of the fact that our management staff have absolutely no academic experience. Our management team have all been recruited because they come from management, marketing and entrepreneurial backgrounds. We guarantee that none of them are tainted by any experience of pedagogy. George Bernard Shaw once wrote, “Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach,” or words to that effect. Except for our SSP’s, all management staff at AIU are able to “do.”

And from the 'International Students FAQ':

Q4. I worry I don’t speaking so good English, actually?

A4. No worry, mate. We don’t speak good English neither. But your father is good businessman. He has $100,000 in cash? He can pay your education? No worry mate. You already speaking our language very good. Don’t worry learning more English classes. No necessary. No worry. Mate.

Q6. My friend he go already to AIU. But he say he can't understanding what lecturers saying. What if I can't understanding them too? How I can learning proper?

A6. No worry, mate. We don’t calling them “lecturers” any more at AIU. We calling them “SSP” this mean “Subcontracted Service Provider.” If you have problem with you can't understand your SSP, you tell us, we fire him. Your father our number one valuable client. We don’t offending your father. He important man, him. SSP is very “pretentious.” This is special word - mean think he very smart. But if so smart, why he SSP? If he more smart, he is being manager or marketing man. Not stupid teacher.

Q8. Normally I don’t understanding English very good. How come I understanding everything you say? How come you so clear?

A8. Because we writing all questions and answers in this FAQ.

I also recommend the page explaining the Latin mottos of the various university services. I'm thinking of adopting the main university motto as my own:

Rapacitas Bona Est